Red Alert 3 Soviet March - Instrumental

Red Alert 3 Soviet March - Instrumental

“This is GUN FOR YOU!”
Crazy Ivan
Crazy Ivan
Date of birth:2225
Blood type:A
Mass:310 lb
Occupation:Thug, Mercenary, Shop Owner of Crazy Ivan's New and Used Guns

Crazy Ivan is an arms dealer, a shop owner, and a former mercenary operating in Seattle. A red-blooded Russian, Crazy Ivan has some very strong opinions, but he remains a pillar of his community nonetheless.


In 2225, Crazy Ivan began life in a hut located in the Russian region Primorsky Krai under the name Ivan. His parents, Anton and Regina, were poor young Russian serfs who lived under the iron fist of a warlord ruling out of Vladivostok. Unfortunately for Ivan, his parents’ village was burned down by the forces of their overlord’s rival soon after his birth. Ivan’s mother Regina was killed by enemy warriors while his father Anton fled to Vladivostok. There, Anton raised his son.

Ivan grew up on the rough streets of Vladivostok. His father Anton was so busy working that he rarely had time to spare to actually raise his son. So, Ivan consequently fell into Vladivostok's criminal underworld in his teenage years under the tutelage of the gangster Alexei Smirnov. Smirnov provided structure in Ivan's life and gave him the father figure he desperately needed. Ivan became something of a bodyguard to Smirnov, acting as the muscle for the old gangster. Under Smirnov, Ivan learned ponyatiya and how to conduct himself on a 'higher level'. Ivan's often violent outbursts and consistent record of winning fights won him much respect. Eventually, Anton learned of Ivan's life in Vladivostok's underworld in 2242. Then, there was a confrontation between Ivan's two 'fathers'. Ivan was unaware of this confrontation, and he only learned of the event after it took place. Anton gunned down Smirnov in the streets of Vladivostok and was quickly gunned down in kind by the soldiers of the city's local warlord. That day left without a father and without a job.

After Anton and Smirnov's deaths, Ivan remained in Vladivostok for a time. He buried his father Anton besides his mother’s grave out in the boonies of Primorsky Krai. Then, Ivan delved straight back into Vladivostok‘s underworld as a thug. He worked for various different bosses over the next couple years doing some sketchy things. In those years, Ivan finally earned his reputation as ‘Crazy Ivan’. Events in this time that spawned this name include twisting a man’s head off in public, bending a soldier’s laser rifle around his neck, and wrestling an exotic mutant from the desolate Siberian wastes (whose name was Lihodei and who Ivan actually befriended later).

Crazy Ivan became less and less attached to Vladivostok as time went on. He felt there was nothing that really connected him to the city anymore. So in 2250, Ivan decided ‘to take his show his show on the road’ and become a mercenary, offering his services to the people who came and went on the docks of Vladivostok. Crazy Ivan and Lihodei teamed up to become a mercenary team and went on their first job. For two decades, Crazy Ivan worked as a prominent Russian mercenary around the Pacific Rim. This included places such as Manchuria, Japan,Taiwan, the Philippines, Hawaii, and Alaska. Crazy Ivan has a bottomless supply of stories about his adventures around the Pacific, able to speak for hours on the subject, and he has a large supply of souvenirs from his travels as well. Also, Ivan learned a large amount of languages while traveling such as Chinese, Cantonese, Japanese (somewhat), English, and a couple of Polynesian pidgin languages. Lihodei returned to Vladivostok in 2261 in rags while Crazy Ivan continued his mercenary work to try to make it regardless of his friend’s poverty.

Crazy Ivan came to Alaska in 2274 with a small retinue, richer if a bit more unhinged than when he started. He was there to do a job for a weapons dealer in Anchorage, but Ivan’s benefactor tried to betray him after the job was done. Pissed off and angry, Crazy Ivan easily dispatched the weapons dealer and his henchmen and seized their merchandise. After doing that, Ivan paused for a little and considered his position, something he had done a couple of times before at that point. Ivan saw the vast amount of weapons now in his possession and wondered if he should establish himself as a weapons dealer in Anchorage instead of moving back to Vladivostok as he had always planned. That was when one of the murdered weapons dealer’s surviving toadies told Ivan that they had been planning on making a move to Seattle, as it was much more hospitable than Anchorage. Crazy Ivan agreed with the toady’s sentiment and decided to continue the move to Seattle with him along for the ride.

The move from Anchorage to Seattle was primarily done by boat in 2275. That made things quicker than if transportation was done over land. Crazy Ivan waited at Anchorage while his weapons were being transported. After the transport was over, Crazy Ivan made his way to Seattle to begin his new business, taking with him a small but effective retinue of mercenaries and the old weapon dealer’s business apparatus. He set up shop in Downtown Seattle near the Geigers in Capitol Hill, personally seizing a city block from some feral ghouls. After wringing the last of the feral ghouls’ necks, Crazy Ivan founded Crazy Ivan's New and Used Guns in late 2275.

Crazy Ivan quickly set about establishing himself as a brand in Seattle through various means. In early 2276, Crazy Ivan very publicly gunned down a group of raiders attempting to rob his store and handed their fingers over to lawbringers in Emerald City. He also bought property in Capitol Hill, where he currently lives. However, Crazy Ivan’s biggest exposure was when he obtained a radio and began advertising his product on a large scale. This both involved just broadcasting commercials on his own broadcast and butting into others’ broadcasts to advertise his product. Crazy Ivan got his biggest exposure with his ongoing interactions with Heinrich on the Mouth of Mount Saint Helens. As a result, Crazy Ivan's New and Used Guns is thriving despite local competition. His fame on the radio and interesting past have made Crazy Ivan something of a local celebrity in Seattle which the gun dealer has taken in stride. Crazy Ivan lives a safe but exciting existence in Capitol Hill, with his reactionary abrasive personality often clashing with the local hipsters. Luckily for the hipsters, none of these encounters have ended in bloodshed.


Crazy Ivan's personality seems, well, crazy but he is actually surprisingly calculated. A very experienced mercenary and a savvy businessman, Crazy Ivan is able to project an unstable yet entertaining image for ‘branding’ while competently maintaining Crazy Ivan's New and Used Guns. He is already naturally very opinionated but uses this to his advantage. Crazy Ivan does a very good job of hiding his even darker attributes under his mad yet jovial facade, being quite paranoid and bigoted towards many disparate groups. Crazy Ivan has strong nostalgic feelings towards the Soviet Union, and he is a staunch member of the Russian Orthodox Church.

Crazy Ivan’s skillset mostly extends to his business expertise and heavy weapons. He also is multilingual to an extent, which has been very useful many times.


Many people characterize Crazy Ivan as 'a mad old bear'. In his prime, Ivan was said to have been able to pulverize a log with his bare hands. Even as he has grown older, Ivan still cuts an imposing figure at six foot five with a lot of muscle to spare. He is not as strong as he once was, but Crazy Ivan can certainly beat most of the local hipsters in Capitol Hill at an arm-wrestling competition even in his old age.

Crazy Ivan has steely grey eyes which are matched by a similarly colored beard (though some white has begun to penetrate the beard as the years have passed). The beard has been cultivated over many years, and Ivan takes great pride in it.


Crazy Ivan has a wide array of equipment accumulated over his long life. However, he only has a small amount of his total gear with him at any time, preferring to not be overloaded. His standard choices of clothing are either suspenders or camouflaged Army fatigues. Crazy Ivan’s most prominent (and treasured) piece of clothing is his pre-War Soviet Ushanka which he bought off of a trader in Manchuria. Crazy Ivan’s preferred weapons are the Chinese pistol and the AK-112 assault rifle.



"Yebanko! No testing guns in shop!"
―Crazy Ivan
"Haha! No gypping me, or I shoot you!"
―Crazy Ivan


"I know when I am beaten, all along the key was to be having simpler name and motto. What was I thinking, 'more firearms than Burkina Faso'? Christ wept."
―Mentally Traumatized Godot
"For Slavic untermensch, you’re alright Ivan. Thanks for calling in."
Heinrich on the radio
This has been written by MongoosePirate. Please contact this user before editing this article.
Northwest Commonwealth